Folks , I would really welcome some advice about a particular client...
By his own admission he is very belligerent- I really want to help him, and he his very open to being helped. BUT I have had two sessions with him and during both I felt like we were going round in circles.
He says that he wants me to give him the tools, the words, the scenarios to help with his issues. He wants to control alot of things that are external to him, but doesn't accept that he can control his thoughts/reactions and so is only prepared to take on the "right" words without internalising the changes. So it is this basic issue that we keep coming back to.
Is this a coachability issue? What powerful questions can I ask? Is there another resource that would help?
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5 comments:
Adrian - thanks for the mail nudging me to get back in touch - life is hectic at the moment, but that is for another Blog - onto Noshaba .....
This seems very tricky Noshaba. If part of the issue is self-perception you might want to get a 360° assessment carried out - but can be lengthy process.
You could try asking him to role-play the people who have most problems with him .. and try to understand how it feels to have to work with him.
e.g. a new start. Imagine you are the new start in the organisation.
You have had a meeting where you have acted as you normally do ... what does it make you, the new start feel like?
How do you think that will shape the relationship in the future?
How committed will this person be to you and your plans ?
How would you like this to be in the future? What can you do differently to make that happen? etc...
There is a simplistic, yet useful book People Styles at Work by Bolton and Bolton, which allows you to recognise your own and others styles very easily (Expressive, Amiable, Driver, Analytic) You're guy sounds like an Driver (these are the most coached folks at J&J because it is the style which least conforms to our Credo values. we need them to drive however, they need to be able to 'FLEX' to meet the predominant style in the organisation).
It then talks about the Pros and Cons of each stlye, and ultimately gives a check list of how your stlye can 'FLEX' to the others styles .. e.g. The Driver recognising the Amiable likes to start meetings / conversations with some personal discussion "How was your weekend, how's the family etc...
I also conjecture that the approach he is taking of "Give me the words and actions to go through" (and to an extent the above book encourages this), we need to think of a way to have him reflect on situations where someone has gone through the motions, said the right words but not relly been committed - was he aware of their lack of committment (probably) did he beleive a word he was being told? How did that leave him feeling in future interactions with the person?
Typicaly we all know when someone is not being authentic, and this breaches trust.
Trust is everything in teamwork and interpersonal relationships. By going through the motions without any committment, the breach of trust would be great....
This could be a GREAT way of introducing a STORY.... just not sure what is would be SORRY - what about - Peter and the Wolf or a parody of that (Ruth ?? you seemed to come up some great lines in class ....)
Another good read is "True North" by Bill George. "Just as a compass points toward a magnetic field, your True North pulls you toward the purpose of your leadership. When you follow your internal compass, your leadership will be authentic, and people will naturally want to associate with you. Your truth is derived from your life story and only you can determine what it should be".
While this is great, the key issue with your coachee could be that his True North may be others South ... What about exploring the situation he is in - does his value system sit comfortable with the organisation / relationship he is in?
If you were holding an Alignment Compass and your organisations (team / Partner / /etc//) goals, values, modus operandi etc were pointing North - where would yours be pointing?
Measure the gap, what to do about it - if nothing the longer he goes down that path the further he will be from where his org / team / partner will be - what will that look like after a few hunderd kilometers?
Must rush - sorry to be a bit babbling (old habits die hard) Take Care, Good Luck and HI to everyone
Martin
questions i would be curious to ask" has he never ever had a situation where he has controlled his thoughts / reactions ""in having control - what does this give him""imagine you can control your thoughts - how would you feel, what would you see, what would you hear"" right " words an interesting choice of word from the clients perspective - what does being right mean to him, how does he know what is right and what is wrong? deep down you know what to ask - trust your instinct listen to the client and remember who does the work !!debs
Hi everyone, been out of the country and out of touch, but I'm finally home!
Oh goody! I love the belligerent ones. Noshaba, maybe he needs to refocus on his goal. Does he really want to change his behavior, or does he just want to parrot certain phrases? He has to choose so you know how to help him.
Parroting is OK and may work if his attitude is not belligerent, but the words by themselves do nothing. Delivery is everything! Still, it could be a place to start just to help him become self-aware of his behavior. He has to reach a point where he recognizes the moment just BEFORE he reacts inappropriately so that he can formulate a better response. If he's successful in doing this, and thus receives the behavior he wants from others, he will begin to internalize the changes unconsciously. Ha ha! Now you've got him controlling himself, and he didn't even know it was happening.
Questions I would ask (you've probably already asked them, but I'll just go in order):
1. How is your present behavior helping you? (there might be a good reason why he uses this belligerent style, or there might not)
2. How is it hurting you?
3. What other communication qualities do you have that you consider "good"?
4. If you could change the negative ones and enhance the positive ones, would you?
5. How do you want people to perceive you?
6. What do you think makes people respond to others in the way you want them to respond to you?
7. How would your behavior have to change for this to happen?
8. Are you aware of your behavior/tone of voice when you speak to others, or is it only after the fact that you realize you were hard?
OK, so at least now the vision is set, and you can work to close the gap. A good exercise to increase awareness can be done with 10 pennies. Have him put them in a pocket (or place on his desk) at the start of each day. Then, each time he remembers to stop and reflect before responding to someone, he can move a penny to the other pocket/drawer/whatever. At the end of the day he should see how many pennies moved, thus showing how many times he purposefully stopped and thought before speaking. Ask him about progress, what changes does he notice about the "pennyworthy" conversations, etc.
Sorry, that's all I've got right now. Good luck!
Ruth
Hi Noshaba,
I am wondering what this client's goal is. Also, you say he is very open to being helped, but his words and actions don't appear (from the little you have said) to support this.
Is it possible that you are allowing him to control you and, if so, remember " the client does the work". Perhaps you are simply trying too hard to help someone who isn't yet ready to be responsible for their future.
I think I'd be wanting to have a frank discussion about what his vision is, and what his role is in the coaching relationship. If you don't get some answers, and evidence of his commitment then maybe you need to walk away.
What does your heart tell you to do?
Thanks everyone! There's certainly alot of choices, and I agree I am not allowing the client to do the work and then feeling very pressured as a result!
Will let you know how I get on.
Nx
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